Friday, July 30

shit.

I am one of those people who wallows in sadness and makes herself more upset as time passes, simply because I get ideas in my head and can't get them out.

My dog Spike almost died this morning.. he's had cancer for about 5 months, and was only suppose to live till April, but had been doing well...
..but then this morning he collapsed in the kitchen and then went outside and wasn't able to move or breathe well and didn't keep his eyes open..

I had to go to work, so I left, thinking I wasn't going to see him after that. And then in the Sam's Club I was working in, I was on a break and I just started uncontrolably BAWLING in the cafe, and had to run outside where I hyperventalted for like 20 minutes and talked to my parents who said they were going to have him put down at 5pm. Which made me freak out more and I just decided to leave my work.

And I started walking, because our farm where we are going to bury Spike was near the Sam's Club (like 10km/17m away) and in my mind that's all I could do.. was walk until I got there. Or until my parents were like "Lauren is coming to get you". I made it 4km. Sigh.

But now I'm home and Spike is doing okay.. like not great, but he's walking and he can't eat, and we changed the vet appointment until tomorrow.. but like how do you know if you should put your dog down? I can't do it right now, he's too aware.. if he was still sick like this morning I would understand.. but not now.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't even think I can be in the room when they do it, I just can't imagine being able to. God this is the most awful thing ever...