Wednesday, December 8

and it brings you to your knees. still.


The thing that really sucks is when you still feel your stomach drop out when you read/hear that your ex is starting to see someone new.

Despite the fact that it has been two years since we broke up. Despite the fact that we have both seen other people since the break up. Despite the fact that we are still close friends anyways and that we have managed to realize that we are not meant to be together right now, there it was: me reading he's been dating (and then subsequently reading the journal of his new love interest cos I'm a masochistic stalker like that) and I feel like ass now.

Maybe it's just because I want to be wanted. Which is more selfish than anything, but fuck, y'know. I have spent and will continue to spend too much time playing the "what if" game with our relationship. What if... I had stayed in Toronto after highschool...what if I wasn't such a slut and been attracted to other guys by the end of our relationship... what if I was capable of being in a relationship...what if we had met not when I was in grade nine, but when I was like, 24 years old... what if what if what if. I always get the same answer, which is that I am meant to be single right now. And yet...

It is this relationship- the three-and-a-half-year relationship which was, in rose-coloured retrospective thinking, everything one could want... it is the reason why I am so jaded now about love and all that ish. You get the feeling that if something so monumental can crumble so easily then nothing else can ever be stable.

Technically, because it takes half the time you were dating someone to get over them (Sex and The City, Season Two, Episode One) I should be done getting over this relationship. And this summer I thought I was finally over it. But really, all it takes is him to date someone new and the feelings of possessiveness and jealousy are back. Eugh. Add this to my reasons of why I don't want any more ex-boyfriends. It's just too much to deal with.