Tuesday, March 8

one missed call

The message is just like the other dozen I have recieved from him: crying, apologies, and promises.

We have been through this so many times. Every second month, at least, for the past year and a half, he sheepishly tells me he has been using again and he is finally stopping. I don't know when I stopped believing him. I think it happened when I pulled my emotions away from it all. It was too much of an investment for me; it was either me or the opiates that he would love and I was the one being chosen less frequently.

What can you do? When you've threatened the one thing, your best-friendship, that you think can make him stop, and yet it keeps happening? I have told him to go into rehab, to get away from the people who convince him just one high is okay, to call me when he feels like using.

But when he is using that's when he doesn't call. I should have known the signs: no phone calls or MSN's for weeks always means he is back on it. The drugs get the affection and attention, not me. He knows that he is a better person when he is not high. He confesses all this in between sobs on my answering machine.

I don't know why it took me this long to realize that this is why I have felt so lost, so useless and depressed, all day long.