Monday, March 6

Dear America, I wanted so much more of you during my spring break! Yes, I did experience your strip malls, gas stations, and fast food. And yes, I loved the fact that I could purchase and drink alcohol at any hour. But I was very upset when our Breakaway Tour* bus rolled into Panama City and I found out that the American spring breakers wouldn’t be hitting the beaches until later on in the month.

So there went my plan to make out with a boy from every state we drove through on our 24-hour trip south. (Sorry Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama.)

And so I had to search for my authentic American experience through other venues. First of all, I would like to thank Sparks. As someone who hasn’t drank a pre-mixed beverage since she was underage, I was beyond impressed (and intoxicated) by Sparks. The drink also made me forget my addiction to Stoli and Redbull and so I had to smuggle a few cans home. Please Canada, please get Sparks soon.

I also have a new found appreciation for Hooters. Not only because the food actually is half decent, but because the people who work there are really sweet. I made friends with some of the kitchen staff (also known as the shuckers-slash-deepfryers) and Eano charmed his way into the hearts of a few waitresses. We all flirted every night at the after-hours karaoke bar: I picked up a southern accent and they laughed at the way I pronounced ‘about’ and we joked at how Canadians say ‘pop’ instead of ‘soda’. It really is the little things that can make a vacation.

Other highlights included making my first (and last) dollar from dancing on a stripper pole (it is now pinned on my bulletin board as a reminder) and buying a keg during my first (and last) trip to a Walmart. We had an OC-style beach party with the keg: again, I just adore the lax liquor laws in America.

I also now know why marijuana is so illegal in the states: it’s because of all the food! If I had access to pre-packaged everythings at all hours of the day while having the munchies I would be a blimp. I was quoted at one point during my vacation as saying “I love Hot Pockets so much because I know as soon as I am done eating one I will want to eat another.” I don’t think weed would help my (or anyone else’s) already established eating problem when faced with so much food.

Oh, and a big shout out is deserved for Sonic: after years of being tortured with commercials for your yummy food I finally got to eat it, and I was both impressed and satisfied. Thank you, America.

*N.B.: I do not AT ALL endorse Breakaway Tours. They are run by a bunch of college drop-out frat-boy wannabes who have no clue what’s going on and ALSO they convinced everyone to veto going to Mardi Gras. Grr. But then again, if you are 18 do go on a Breakaway Tour, you will have the time of your young little life.