Thursday, January 25


On a trip to Chapters yesterday I was completely bombarded by dating and relationship and engagement books. Well, not bombarded, because I was lured by all the pink, red, and white into that particular section—so a more accurate description would be that the flashy displays and seasonal in-store marketing made me content to surround myself with a large selection of terrible, terrible books.

Now I have decided I need to write a dating/relationship advice book of my own. Sure they are horrible creations, but they're also horribly popular and something I can fully capitalize on. It's almost too easy: all you need is one simple concept and then the ability to stretch it across 150+ pages—and much like writing a university paper, this requires little more than a thesaurus and excellent written bullshitting skills.

I saw a book that was entirely about decoding what his text messages mean and how to better flirt though email and IM. Seriously?? Though after Amazoning the author I discovered she also has co-written a whole book on what to wear when you're dumping 'your man'. Are these subjects not better oriented for, I don't know, a segment on the Tyra Banks Show or a sidebar in Cosmo? Nope, it seems that redundant and obvious advice is the stuff this industry is made of.

Take He's Just Not That Into You, for example. I thought the original Sex and The City episode did a pretty good job of explaining that theory, but apparently not. And so we get 176 pages of every possible "is he into me?" scenario, all cumulating with the "he's just not that into you!" solution. The book is a bestseller because, frankly, so many women are too vapid and useless to come to this seemingly simple conclusion on their own. (Though I fail to see how someone unable to absorb ideas through television would be better off digesting information in a literary way, but I digress.)

However, slightly misogynistic dating advice books unfortunately don't sell as well, so, you know, I'll go for a friendlier slant with my own. Though the title If You Spent $20 to Find Out the Guy You Dated Six Months Ago Who Never Returned Your Desperate Calls is Just Not That Into You, You Need So Much More Than A Book has such a nice ring to it…