Friday, July 6

A few weeks ago I was quoted in an Ottawa Citizen article about the twenty-something mindset on engagements and diamond rings. Yesterday I went to my first-ever bridal shower. Tomorrow, according to both high and low wedding culture sources, is the luckiest day to get married. And so, in celebration of all things nuptial, I thought I should share one of my most favourite pastimes:

Mocking the pictures and comments on Facebook’s various “Being Engaged Rocks!” groups.

I understand the need to share and overshare “interesting” things about one’s life (hello, this is why I have an oh-so-personal public blog). However, wedding/engagement websites seem to bring about a certain lack of decorum that is unparallel to anything else online. Perhaps this is connected to the whole ‘me day!’/entitlement/bridezilla culture at large, or perhaps it’s because most Engaged Facebookers are under the age of 21. Either way, it has resulted in a self-congratulatory parade of photos featuring the ugly, uncouth, and downright offensive choices that today’s blushing brides have made.

Showing off engagement rings is the main reason all these groups exist. Because by flaunting their diamonds, brides-to-be can translate their love into a commodity that is more easily assessed by jealous friends and family. Sure, saying “he really loves me!” is fun, but it’s simply much more meaningful to post a pic online with the carat count in the caption.

Sadly, some fiancées have not yet figured out how to best show off their assets.

Some might say it’s the fat positioning of the hand that ruins this picture. However, I think if you spend that much time lacquering the tips of your nails bright red, you could at least clean off the bed and throw out the water bottles. You know, unless you’re as committed to looking trashy as you are to your fiancé.

You know they were going for an adorable “holding hands!” pose, but sadly, wound up with alien fingers on hairy knees. Sigh.

All in all, not a bad ring picture. Until you realize she’s posing on her fiancé’s chest. The caption says “don’t worry, he’s not naked!” but it’s still an entire frame of scrawny bare skin. Best to keep this one to yourselves.

And speaking of keeping it to yourselves, this is a professional engagement picture. A pose usually reserved for Cosmo photos shoots, romance novels, and misty black and white posters found in university residence rooms, I hope this couple doesn’t plan on sending announcements to anyone over 60. Or their own parents. Slate was right, the photojournalism style really isn’t ideal for all wedding pictures.

And finally, the pièce de résistance:

That is NOT an engagement ring. For a female at least. Because I suppose if you proposed to a football player, that would be the most appropriate token of love. Also note the words “economy” in the background—either a clever ironic comment on the explosion of metal and crystal on her hand, or notes from class proving that our fiancée is flaunting the ring between lectures.

Bonus picture:

If anorexic twelve-year-olds are getting married, does that increase or decrease the chances of us healthy twenty-somethings finding love? Seriously.