Wednesday, November 17

it was rather obvious, i suppose

I have spent a while trying to figure out why I am not into one of the boys that I am into right now. (define into: fooling around, hanging out, chatting always on msn, hooking up when drunk, although not really recently...)

So I list off the things I want in a guy. And all of which he has or exceeds: Cute, very funny, smokes more pot than ciggarettes, I always want him to be around for me to talk to, hot, so smart it makes me awkward...

It happens too often. There is this perfect guy, like as in I find everything about him awsome and I don't care that he's interested in me. (Usually I, like most females, prefer the assholes who don't call and treat me like shit, and I run and hide from boys who pay attention to me.) So yes, it seems like all the cards are lined up proper.

But I am walking to class, trying to figure out how it can be that I am not letting this connect. I have watched my roommates and friends make the logical transition from guy they are into to guy they are dating to boyfriend.

I always imagine what it would be like to date a guy. How it would work if he was my boyfriend. I have only had one relationship-boyfriend ever, and it was this super-commitment, long-term, like fiancee-style relationship. Sometimes I think I am rather un-creative because I lack the capability to relaize that not all boyfriends would be like my last. I am unable to imagine that other types of relationships are possible. (That is, other than the dozen or so types of "non-relationships" I have created)

And all at once, the sudden flash of monogamy is done with, because I have figured out why I have not let things with this guy get past the point they are already at. I had forgotton that I don't want a boyfriend. It sounds so absurd, but I actually had to remind myself of this. And then everything made sense.

Well not complete sense. Becuase I still have this infatuation. And other infatuations. (I multi-task, or I am greedy, however you look at it) But at least I have something sorted out, for now.