Wednesday, September 21

Dear fortyish-year-old woman in my Creative Writing course:

I hate you. Actually, the whole class hates you. Because you have sat in the front row (of a class of twenty people) and acted like a bad T.A. since the first day.

No one wants to hear your off-the-cuff comments. Not even the prof. Do you not notice the way he ignores your questions? And even when he refuses to answer your first question of the day, there you are- asking more and more inane questions about useless shit that will not make a difference in your writing career.

"So how long does it take you to write a book?
"Okay, well, how long did you last book take to write?"
"Umm, how do you decide where to put commas in? And I notice you also use a lot of dashes, and commas after "ands" and also semi-colons. How do you decide where to put them? Also, apparently you're a published author, but I was taught never to put commas before ands, and you use that a lot, so how did you decide that was okay?"

First of all, SHUT UP! You make all over-thirty students look bad. Ageism is already too prevalient in a University setting, and now I will forever hate anyone over twenty. You are the definition of elder try-hard. Except that even the prof sees right through you, and he hates you for being so annoyingly eager.

Second of all, dear 40-year-old, you look like a divorcee aiming for your second coming in life. Like a bad Diane Lane. Like you should have played a major role in Under the Tuscan Sun. It's so stereotypical mature student it makes me laugh every time you enter the classroom.

And lastly, you will never be a writer because you think too much! Writing is so fabulous because it departs from language as we know it. Stop analyzing things so much and just go knee-deep into them. If you don't, I probably will start calling you on every moranic comment you make over the next term. Fun for me, but not so cool for you.

So please, for the sake of all of us, stop talking in class. Stop answering the questions of other students as though you are suddenly qualified to do so. Stop breezing into class at the last minute and trying to make pathetic jokes with the Prof about your hectic "adult" day.

The whole class will sincerly appreciate it.