Monday, September 4


Re: your plans to cross the Canadian-American border.

It should be noted that any attempts to drive to Western New York on the Friday afternoon before the Labor Day Long Weekend will be extremely delayed. While it may only take you one hour to drive from Toronto to Niagara Falls, and while you may have a small pile of MapQuest maps ready, pointing out every destination (from the Coach outlet to the Albright-Knox Gallery) for once you get across said border, please be prepared for a FOUR HOUR wait at customs.

Please also note that the grande Starbucks coffee you consumed en route will now take effect. However, because your car will literally crawl through the five kilometer car line-up to get to customs, you will have time to participate in the all-female run into the bushes at the side of the road. This will occur approximately two hours into your wait.

Upon return to Canada, expect feelings of guilt for smuggling a pet hermit crab (purchased-rescued from a mall kiosk) into the country. This will cause you to ramble through the planned speech (“…we bought some food at Target and had dinner at IHOP…”) and declare the two 1.5L bottles of Stoli purchased at duty-free. You will then be required to pay taxes, causing the $12.50 cost per bottle to rise to a not-so-discounted $32.50.

Thank you for understanding, and have a good day-trip.